


Let It Out- Talk To Me

by Jayxm



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clarke Griffin needs a break, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda Fluffy, Madi Griffin needs a hug, Mentions of Suicide, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Motherhood, Suicidal Thoughts, The 100 (TV) Season 7, The 100 (TV) Season 7 Speculation, Two Shot, short fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24314074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayxm/pseuds/Jayxm
Summary: Based on the Madi and Clarke scene in episode 701. Clarke and Madi finally talk about their feelings in full.- - - - -"You don't need to worry about me Madi... I'm fine." Her voice is cracked and the mask is broken, but her voice trills up weakly anyway."Clarke," Madi begs. "You held a gun to your head yesterday." Clarke is quick to shake her head no."Madi- that was one-""Tell me if I didn't wake up you wouldn't have pulled the trigger!"
Relationships: Abby Griffin & Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin & Madi, Russell Lightbourne/Simone Lightbourne mentioned
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80





	1. You Break It You Buy It

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhhhhh this hurts but it's so good. Love the mother-daughter duo.

It's been biting at her for days. Every time she finally feels it fade, it sinks its teeth right back in, and she's back at square one. This nagging at her heart, telling her to be afraid. Madi Griffin is not one to be afraid, but it seems every innocent glance sends her spiraling again.

The war of Sanctum is over. Well, only halfway, but that's more than enough for now. She's had exactly one day, one day to breathe. Luxurious food, a massive white house on a grassy plain and a dog to keep her company, she'd hoped it would end there; she'd hoped the peace would spread faster than the dissent; she'd hoped the stomach-churning fear would end; she'd hoped that she and Clarke would get to be a happy family and that Clarke would finally get to smile again.

It's so ironic she wants to laugh when that's _exactly_ what does her in. 

Clarke just won't stop _smiling._ It's so domestic and carefree as if she's lived her entire life inside a bubble; it's like she's never had to do a hard days work in her life, let alone had a body-snatcher waltz around in her skin, or watched her dead mother puppeted around. It's exhausting frankly. It's even more exhausting to watch her _pretend_ she didn't hold a gun to her own head yesterday, and pretend her daughter hadn't been possessed by a sociopathic mass murderer. 

Clarke is piecing Sanctum back together, preaching the "you break it, you buy it" philosophy like they didn't swing the hammer first. In Madi's opinion: they broke it and they paid. She didn't see why Clarke was still paying their dues. Clarke's doing more than just paying her non-existent dues though: she's actively indebting Russel Lightbourne - body snatcher extraordinaire - to her. She's paying off his dues _for_ him, keeping him safe from all the people that want him dead. It's funny because all things considered, she should be the one wanting to kill him. You know, the father of the woman that stole her body and husband to the woman that stole her mother's. 

When Clarke smiles at Madi from the door she can't hold up the facade anymore.

"I don't care that you're late. I care why you are." It's the first step to what she knows will be a very unpleasant conversation, but someone needs to say it. 

"Madi... Indra's right. We have a lot of work to do." Her voice is still so soft and laced with sugar it sickens her. 

"Stop it! Talk to me!" Her heart races and the teeth bite down. "I know what it's like to lose a mom... and I can help." 

"Hey, I'm still here. You didn't lose me." She smiles to comfort her, but it only hurts more. Madi bites back the tears that threaten to spill over. _She's_ not the one that needs to be comforted. The pleading look in Clarke's eyes sends pangs through her chest.

"Not... you Clarke..." She doesn't mean for it to hurt, just like she's sure Clarke didn't mean to hurt her. "She died in my arms. I know what that's like." Her voice cracks and her eyes puffed red with tears.

Clarke lets out a small breath, but it carries so much weight. Madi watches as the mask falls, Clarke desperately trying to readjust it. She tries to bring the comforting, soft smile back but can't. It slips down, and she swallows, eyes filling with tears even as she tries to fight it.

" _Madi..._ I-" She can feel the speech coming on. The one filled with apologies and soothing and Madi just can't stomach it.

"Don't- Clarke I'm worried about you. You're trying to pretend everything is okay and it's _not._ You're hurting! Please just _talk_ to me." She pleads, and Clarke grits her teeth.

"You don't need to worry about me Madi... I'm fine." Her voice is cracked, and the mask is broken, but her voice trills up weakly anyway.

"Clarke," Madi begs. "You held a gun to your head _yesterday."_ Clarke is quick to shake her head no in response.

"Madi... that was one-"

"Tell me if I didn't wake up, you wouldn't have pulled the trigger!" The words catch in Clarke's throat as the young girl interrupts her, eyes flooded with tears. 

She can't breathe, can't swallow, can't speak as she finds herself stuck between lying to her daughter or telling her she would have killed herself: two very unpleasant options.

"You can't!" Her voice wobbles. "Clarke _please_. I thought I lost you once. I thought that I had lost my mother all over again. I'm not just worried, I'm _scared."_

The dam breaks and tears start to spill down both their cheeks, Indra and Gaia kindly leaving the room to give them some space. Clarke shakes her head but this time there's no fake smile, no facade, and no debt. 

"I'm not going anywhere Madi." She fights down a sob and touches the side of her face. 

"I'm not so sure about that." Madi cries. "It wasn't just _after_ was it?"

Clarke's brow softens but the confusion plates her face. It must be pretty evident how lost she is because she touches Clarke's neck, her lip trembling.

"I overheard Murphy talking about the Red Sun." Clarke's mouth falls open.

"Madi that wasn't me that was the toxin-"

"The toxin normally makes people hurt each other though." She shakes her head. " _Clarke_."

" _Clarke I can't lose you again... please._ " She's begging, unable to help the puffiness in her cheeks and the red splotches across her face. Piccasso whines from beneath the table, licking her ankles comfortingly as she falls into Clarke's arms.

"I'm not going to leave you. I'm _never_ going to leave you." She soothes.

"You can't promise that..." Madi mumbles into her black jacket.

"I can and I just did, because no matter what happens I'm always going to be with you," Clarke kisses her hair, running her fingers through it. "Just like your mother will always be with you."

"Don't talk like you're dying." Madi clutches the fabric of her jacket tighter. "I need you here." 

"I'm here. I'm here." She pauses for a moment, letting the tears fall and holding her close. "Okay, okay. We can talk Madi."


	2. Don't Give Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes to Madi's room to finish their talk.

Curled up under the heavy weight of the comforter, the tears spill out uncontrollably. The chip in her head telling her she's weak for crying is gone, but she can still hear the words. She can see the faces of commanders scowling at her, telling her "This is why flamekeepers scout and take natblidas young- your connection to her makes you weak."

Stories of Clarke's past filled with pain had only been a memory in the valley. Ever since the rest of the world woke up, it seemed like they were constantly fighting death. When Bellamy had grabbed her by the shoulder with tear-brimmed eyes, saying her voice so softly it struck terror in her chest, she thought it had finally caught up with them. The years of peace with Clarke were just delaying what had been coming for both of them for years. Death should have taken Clarke on the floor of Becca's Lab and it should have taken Madi when her birth mother's skin burned away against her small hands.

When Clarke was dead, Madi was sure it was coming for Madi too. That Death was drawing it out to make the bite of it that much harder. But it seemed that even after Clarke was alive and well, death was still drawing out its pain: a slow poisoning rather than a quick death. She supposes neither of them deserves that mercy. The Commander of Death and coward from the flame.

The gun pressed to the side of Clarke's head flashes each time she closes her eyes. She wonders if she wore the same tear-striped face of grief in the sand, gun pressed to her head and eyes to the sky where the Ring hid behind the clouds. Clarke didn't talk about it much but she knew it happened. She'd used the term 'given up' but Madi knew what that meant now.

" _I had no food no water. I was about to give up, but then I found the valley, and then..." She taps Madi's button nose with a smile but her eyes are wet. "I met you."_

She wonders if there have been more times that she doesn't know about. Maybe on those days, after Bellamy didn't come back, she sat in the woods and fiddled with the trigger. Maybe she had so readily submitted to Octavia's execution because secretly, she wanted it to all be over.

She thinks about Murphy's worried comment to Raven at the bar.

" _In the red sun I almost had to shoot Clarke." He muttered into his third glass of pungent-smelling red alcohol._

_"Had to?" Raven had said with an eyebrow cocking up, neither noticing Madi obscured by the diner counter._

_"Yeah, she had a scalpel to her throat, talking into a turned-off radio. I'm worried about her Raven. Especially after her mom? Back then she seemed like she was going to-" Raven catches Madi's eye and punches Murphy's shoulder. "Murphy." She snaps and he sucks in a breath. It was too late though; Madi wasn't stupid, she could draw her own conclusions._

Maybe that's why Raven looks at Clarke with such hesitation now, or why Murphy looks at her like she'll break if he pushes too hard. She wonders if that's why he doesn't joke with her and press as he did in Clarke's stories.

She purses her eyelids tight together, squeezing out tears. The pressure in her head keeps telling her not to cry and break down, but she does. She can't help it, and seeing the broken forced smile plastering her mother's face like a mask, she can't for much longer either. The anxiety that leaves her heart beating way too heavy in her chest swallows her whole. She's stuck in this waiting. Every person that walks up to her with somber eyes sends worry striking through her. She keeps waiting for someone to come and kneel before her like Bellamy, hands on her arms to catch her if she falls.

Truth is, there really is no one to catch her if she does. If Clarke isn't there, her net is thin and won't support her. She's only really known these people for a few weeks if you count out cryosleep, and many of them have known her for even less than that. There will be no Clarke to run to. Gaia is good, but she isn't anywhere close to her mother. She was there for the flame and only just recently has she really seen Madi for more than that. Raven is always just out of reach. Murphy was never meant for the whole parenting job, like hell, he's not even made for talking to a child. Abby is dead and was already dangling off the cliffside herself for a while. Bellamy is probably the closest she's got to a net, to be honest. He'll be there even if it's hard at first.

She doesn't catch the moment she stops thinking and hypotheticals and starts thinking in definites, but the second she notices she swallows a sob. Part of her wants to pull back, to distance herself so it won't hurt this badly. Heeding the commanders' words even after they're gone might be her best option. Even as she thinks it over she knows it's not an option.

The soft knocking on her bedroom door shakes her from the daze. Her pillow is dampened with puddles of tears as she sits up. Clarke told her she'd be up to talk later that night, she wonders how long she sat by the door listening to her cry.

"Can I come in?" Clarke's voice is raw from behind the door, undoubtedly having regained control from tears as well.

"Yeah." Her voice is so low she wonders if Clarke heard her, but the door creaks open slowly.

Madi's room is barely moved in to. She doesn't have much to put here, most of her possessions now ash on Earth's surface. Her discarded armor folded onto a white dresser in the corner and a few weapons strewn beside it. Clarke steps in carefully, her eyes red-rimmed but the tears wiped dry. Seating herself on the bed at Madi's feet she sits in silence for a few moments. Having time to think over what to say didn't make it any easier. Nothing she could say would be enough to fix this. Nothing could _fix_ their newfound circumstances.

"I'm sorry." She ends up choking out to Madi's surprise. 

"What?" Madi whispers unsure. Clarke has trouble meeting her eye and despite her best efforts to wipe away the tears, they begin flowing again.

"I was so focused on trying to shield you... and everyone else... from how I was feeling- am feeling." She corrects. "I didn't think it would make it worse for you. I didn't want to scare you." 

Madi nods and swallows hard.

"I thought if I seemed okay you wouldn't have to worry. You'd get to be a kid and go to school and not have to be Heda anymore. You dealt with Shadeheda, I didn't want to add on." She chuckles a wet sob. "I guess I didn't realize you'd bottle your stuff too. It's a Griffin staple I guess." 

Madi laughs too, tears spilling down her reddened cheeks. Clarke rests her hand on Madi's ankle, smiling softly.

"I'm scared." Madi strangles out. "Seeing you like that- hearing from Murphy... I- I- I don't know what you're thinking- or feeling- and it's scary. I used to know everything back in the valley. Now you're hiding it and it's like... I don't know if you'd... If you'll..." She stops for a moment and takes a breath. "-give up."

Air catches in Clarke's throat when she says it, and Madi's sure now she remembers the conversation.

"You tried then too didn't you." Madi states. Clarke hesitates, then nods.

"This is all so heavy I don't want this to weigh on -"

"It's weighing on me more not knowing how you're feeling Clarke." She bites down tears. "I don't want to wake up one morning to find out you- that you-" She can't seem to say it and so she simply sits up and rests her head on Clarke's shoulder.

"I won't. I won't Madi. That's not going to happen." She says into her hair.

"How are you so sure?"

"Because I've got you." Clarke thumbs a stray hair behind Madi's ear. 

"What about the Red Sun?" Madi whispers into her arm.

"That wasn't me Madi. It really was the toxin." She strokes her hair. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"I thought I lost you before." Madi whimpers, allowing herself to be vulnerable. "When Bellamy... Bellamy told me, I broke. And Shadeheda..." 

"He took advantage of that." Clarke finishes and the girl nods into her shoulder. 

"I thought I'd lost you and I couldn't help but think about my birth mom. I'd lost her all that time ago, and then I'd lost you, and I had nothing. All I wanted was revenge." Clarke nods and rubs circles on Madi's back.

"When I lost _my_ mom and then thought I'd lost _you,_ I lost all my fight," Clarke whispers. "I couldn't take it." Clarke hesitates for a moment, unsure if the words she's thinking are good to say out loud to her daughter. 

"When I walked into that room and you weren't there- I had just pushed my mother's body... Simone... out of the airlock. Gaia told me that Russel had taken you, and I crumpled. I broke down because I was sure he was going to kill you. It was even more terrifying when you walked into that room, Shadeheda completely taken over, and I thought that maybe you were already dead. That I didn't protect you. That I'd failed you." Clarke trembles, her lungs shakey and taking random sharp inhales.

"You didn't fail me." Madi whispers. "It wasn't your fault."

"It felt like it. And then... you were right. I gave up. If you didn't come back to me..." Clarke trails off. 

Madi wraps her arms around Clarke's neck, dripping tears onto her collarbones. They sit like that for a while, Clarke crying into her hair and Madi leaned into her shoulder. The breath of the wind huffs through the window, chilling over them and leaving their tears cold.

"I don't know what I would have done without you Madi," Clarke whispers. "after Praimfaya in the valley, after Wonkru escaped the bunker, and now with Shadeheda and Josephine..." She whispers. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry things are so... hard now. I'm sorry that there was all this pressure on you... I know what it feels like to be the one making all the hard choices and dealing with all the hard consequences. I just want you to get to be a kid again..."

"So you're bearing it so I don't have to?" Madi whispers and Clarke nods. "That's not healthy."

"I didn't want you to be commander- that's no secret- now that you aren't I don't want to put a heavy burden on you. I want you to be happy and smile again." Clarke thumbs the tears off Madi's cheek. "It's been a long time since I've gotten to see you smile freely."

"I'm gonna be okay- because I've got you," Madi says. "So don't go anywhere okay? I need you."

"You've got me. You've got me." 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!!!


End file.
